Guilt or Innocence

“Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway”

 

It is not very easy to make me feel guilty for something, rarely do I feel bad about the decisions I make. I second guess myself a lot but it takes a lot to feel sorrow based on a decision I have made. That is because most of my decisions only affect me and when I do have to make a decision that affects someone else I usually make it in their benefit. That is why today I feel guilty for a decision I just made. I told my roommate to continue her NY apartment search without me. Not that I still won’t move there or that it would be entirely impossible for us to live together but I was beginning to feel that I was rushing into a situation with her that was leaving my feelings out of it. We were looking for apartments in areas convenient for her, in apartments that while affordable required sacrifice from one party more than another. And our time frames are just not the same. She knows when she needs to be in New York, I am still fighting to get on a project there. If there is one thing I hate doing it is being forced into a situation, if I had continued searching for and eventually signing a lease on an apartment with her I would have probably come to despise her anytime that apartment put me in a bad situation. If I signed the lease then had to travel for work it would bother me, if I landed a project that required a long commute it would bother me, every time I wrote my rent check I would be upset about the situation.

 

I know this because once my mother talked me into buying a car I did not want. Every time that car broke down I blamed her, whether right or wrong, that car instantly had a negative spark because it was not what I wanted. That is what I feel would have happened with this apartment had I continued. So, I know what I did was for the best, I know I would have had to do it eventually and I am glad I got it over with. But, I have felt guilty about having to tell her for a few days now and had hoped that feeling would go away once I said it. But, here I am still feeling terrible about it.

 

What I think this comes down to is that I hate letting people down. I especially hate letting girls down. It stems from that big brother quality that grew out of being the only guy in a house full of girls and a toy poodle. For so long, I have taken pride in being there for my sisters and my mom whenever they need me that I kind of forgot what is was like to not be able to help. And that is sort of how I see my roommate; she is like a little sister that I really enjoy spending time with and was really looking forward to being a part of her journey. But, somewhere along the line I felt like I was only moving forward for her and disregarding my feelings entirely, which is no way to live. Hopefully, this horrible feeling in my chest will fade and with time I think her and I will be just fine but for now I know she is mad and I do not blame her at all.

On Second Thought

At first glance that picture probably makes no sense at all. Bare with me and it will make plenty of sense in no time. You see, I am one of those people who can really over think just about any situation. I will go over things in my mind time and time again constantly going back and forth on one decision or another. Even decisions I have made in the past I will usually question in the aftermath. One that comes to mind often these days was the summer before my final semester in college. Due to a car accident the previous fall I was 12 credits from graduation. I was offered a job at a sleep away camp in New York and I took the job. Still, literally right up until I got into my car and began my driving up to NY I was having doubts. Shouldn’t I complete my degree over the summer instead of waiting until fall? That is the responsible thing to do after all and I like to do the responsible thing when possible. Anyway, I made it to camp, had an amazing summer and then a fairly stressful but enjoyable final fall.

With that little moment of nostalgia out of the way I will further explain that odd little picture at the top. Recently, I had made a decision to move out of Virginia, something that I have been attempting basically since I got here anyway. A few months back that decision was to move to NY and for quite a good amount of time I was very happy with that decision. Then one day out of the blue I began having these longings for a move to Florida. At the same time as my indecisiveness grew work became extremely hectic and my next project became unsure, making my move more complicated than before. So, during a rather boring and long meeting I began doodling that little list to compare my 3 current options and the ranking them as I saw them. As you can see I am quite an artist, but even with the help of my lovely little drawings and ranking system I am no closer to making a real decision with only a month to go. So, do I follow the example of my summer camp decision and stick with my first choice or do I give value to my little spreadsheet and make the most responsible choice?

Shacking up

When I was in college, must have been sophomore year, one of my roommates had a girlfriend who spent so many nights at our place she affectionately became known as just Shaq. To this day I can not remember which roommate she was dating nor what her real name was. However, what I am getting at here is less about the girl than it is about the roommates. As someone on the wrong side of 25 I am starting to desire my own place, not that having roommates for the past 8 years or so has been a bad experience, but I would like to enjoy my own space for a little bit. And as I get older I am beginning to wonder if that will ever happen. The only time I can remember having my own space was one semester in college that I had my own room in the fraternity house. So now I see two paths I could take.

 

On one path I could continue doing what I have been doing, going from roommate to roommate and on the other I could find my own place for a little while. The thing is to afford my own place I would be limited in where I could actually live. So, if I continue with my plans to move to New York then I ultimately have no choice but continue with the roommates. Or, I can declare my independence, move to Florida and live alone for once. And if that is the path I should choose I won’t have to worry about who my roommates are dating or what their names really are, I can just remember that Shaq plays for the Miami Heat and that is the end of the story.

I’m so fucked part 2

Since its been a while and I have had nothing to say at all since announcing my coming departure from the DC area I thought I would give the latest update in the saga that is The Girl. When I wrote that story before our lunch together I said no matter what happens this ends badly for me. I was wrong, totally and completely wrong, because nothing can end badly that just wont end. But to get to why this won’t seem to end I need to explain exactly what has happened since that day we met for lunch for the first time in a few years.

 

It was a few weeks ago now when we met up for lunch in Georgetown, Easter Sunday actually, so the area was actually a little packed. We met up, walked around, had a quick lunch and caught up on each others lives. After lunch neither of us was in a hurry to go separate ways so we grabbed coffee and continued walking around Georgetown. It is amazing how fast we can return to our old habits; within minutes of walking around together we were subtly touching as we strolled. Not obvious or blatant, no holding hands or an arm around the shoulder, but constant contact, a hand on the back or a graze of the shoulder. This went on for a while as she dragged me along while she shopped for clothes and asked my opinions, nothing new for me; I was practically raised watching girls shop for clothes. But, eventually we did have to go, she went to work and I headed out to catch a concert with AM. Since that day however, the story does not take any exciting or dramatic turns, we talk; I obsessed for a few days and then decided to make a change in my life which I thought would end this silly thing.

 

Some may not call this silly, they would think it is sweet or normal but I found my behavior over the next few days odd. Emotional? Irrational? Doubtful? These are things that are just not me. Yet, there I was displaying all of them at one time or another, thankfully, as the week after went by and I did not see her again the feelings went away and I returned to my normal self. It was like a drug wearing off, while the effects were waning all I could think of was it and getting more, but once it was out of my system I could move on. So, after I felt normal again I returned to the sparing conversation with her I was used to, a text here or there, an IM conversation a few times a week and I even wished her a Happy Birthday without much fanfare. Around this time I made a decision completely independent of anything having to do with her, based solely on my desires I put in motion the plan to move to NYC this summer.

 

This is where the story should end, it’s logical; a physical separation of almost 200 miles does not have the same impact as the 15 miles we currently live apart. I made the decision to move about two weeks ago now, and since then I have slowly told just about everyone I know, except her. I don’t know why I was waiting or why I felt like I couldn’t just tell her when I told everyone else but I didn’t. Until last night. Last night as I was working for the second weekend in a row I see her IM pop up on my screen. The normal pleasantries are passed and we discuss our plans for the evening. And she tells me that she is in NY visiting friends, I say great I will be up there in two weeks. She says she does not want to leave and seeing a perfect opening, I tell her that’s why I am going up in a few weeks. I am looking for a place to live because I am moving there in July. Given the nature of online conversation I have no idea what the reaction was, but the response was a simple one “I am following you in September”. After I took that in, we talked about neighborhoods and where we would like to live and whether we could afford it or not. Then we said goodbye and I was left with this to sleep on. Does this change anything? Does it mean anything? Will it even affect me at all? Oh, the questions my mind will ask in moments of silence without ever providing an answer. No, it doesn’t change anything, I am still moving, and that will be easy even if the moving on wont be. One day I will ask her why it is that year after year we push each other away only to end up right back in each others lives. Maybe I just need to ask her the questions I ask myself.

Quality of life? Define quality.

After letting the decision to move to New York settle in I decided it was time to let my friends in on the secret. The reality is that I was letting it out slowly, as I always do, to the most accepting ones first, the girls in Florida, one in NY and of course my family. All of those were met as expected, excitement, support and the feeling that they were all genuinely happy for me. I even got a few “I will definitely visit now” comments as no one has really made an effort to visit me here. But then I let the cat out of the bag fully when I let all of my DC friends in on what was going on. A few were supportive, the ones moving away were happy for me and it really didn’t affect them as they were leaving also. For the others, some wished me well and wanted to hear more about my plans but it was my best friends whose responses I cared most about. Two responded with a touch of sadness, wanting me to stay but accepting that going was best and of course claiming a couch to sleep on whenever they want. It was the third response that drives the rest of what I have to say.

 

Mint and I have been friends for years, and although we regularly see things differently his take on my move has been almost entirely negative. I don’t know if he even notices that he is doing it but when we discuss the issue it seems like he is subconsciously trying to get me to reconsider. He talks down the city, says how he could never live there and how he could never afford it and this or that. My counter to all these things was simple I love the city, the energy and I don’t mind giving up the things I will inevitably have to so I can live there for at least a little while. When he mentions money I tell him that plenty of people are living there on far less than I make. To that he said, “But, what is their quality of life?”

 

My response: “What exactly is our quality of life?”

 

His answer described the difference between us better than all the obvious differences you would see when looking at us. Comfort was the base of his quality, his life is comfortable, he makes more than enough money to live a very nice life. But that is all there is to it, he can buy the things he wants and do plenty with it and never have to worry about his finances. And that is wonderful it really is, but comfort is not quality. Its ease, and to me it’s also lazy, there is no challenge in a comfortable life, there is no inspiration. That is what a life of comfort does to me, it saps me of all my inspiration, all my passion, I strive for nothing of importance. There are few stresses in my life, I am very comfortable, and yet the quality of my life is nowhere near where I want it to be.

 

Is moving to New York City the answer to some large life question? No, I seriously doubt it, but will my quality of life suffer by giving up a car and having to stretch a dollar? If so, I can’t see it. Life isn’t just about things, even though I do love my TV, it is about experiences and when you have an opportunity to take one that you find interesting no matter what it is I believe that the quality of your life would suffer for not taking it. You can have my comfort, but I want a challenge, to be forced to learn new things, to push myself to experience something new. So, you ask about quality of life, define quality, really define it and then you will understand.

Life takes unexpected turns

My mom lives her life based on feelings, she makes decisions emotionally. And when something isn’t working or just doesn’t “feel” right she moves along. When I call for her opinion on doing something she always asks how I feel about the situation. Does it “feel” right? However, that just isn’t how I think. I regret making decisions based on my feelings, I want to make them on the facts, do what is the most responsible, the most logical. This is why my mother is great for me, she gets me to let go of my overbearing desires to be responsible and do things that I would enjoy. When I wanted a new TV, she told me to buy it, not because I needed it but because as she said it “felt” right. This happens with her all the time, recently I was in Florida visiting her and when making one decision or another she always asked how I felt about it. And so for once I took her advice without even asking for it. I put aside my fears and made a decision that felt right.

 

The decision is to leave DC and it was made rather quickly, over the past three days really. Only today it became real as I informed work that I was in fact moving later this summer. I have yet to tell many people but the ball has been set in motion and preparations are about to begin. More interesting to me however, is how this unexpected journey came to be. If I had to guess at a starting point I would probably go back to early 2006 when after a night out I got into a fight with my old roommate, frat brother and longtime friend. It was that cold night on the metro that led to a lot of changes, months later I was moving out on my own while my other housemates were getting a place together nearby. In another odd scenario, the friend that I fought with is also leaving DC soon for another opportunity of his own. I guess I should thank him because in some small way that fight that he picked with me led me to meet the people I currently live with. It could not have worked out better, as I have gained new friends and soon a partner to explore a new city with.

 

I already feel a little stressed as if I have so much to do, but I don’t even know what it is I have to do yet. At least the decision has been made, now I just need to make it work.