I’m so fucked

A few days ago I made plans to have lunch with the “girl” and immediately after doing that I wrote down the title to this post. I left it there until this morning where I am now just hours from going to meet her. I hoped that feeling would change over the few days in between, but they haven’t. The way I see it I am fucked no matter the outcome of this lunch. We live 15 minutes apart and have not seen each other in over 2 years, just started speaking again in December and I have tried numerous times to put her safely in my past. I told her I would rather just have the memories and move on with my life, but that never lasts. I never go through with it fully, sure I delete her from my phone, take her off my IM but I never stop thinking about her. And because of that everyone has to deal with comparisons to her whether they know it or not, usually not. And that is completely unfair. The problem with lunch today is that I see no way that it leads towards the closure of this relationship. It is more likely to pry it open just a little more than it had been over the past few years.  But if we are reopening doors instead of closing them, what are we reopening it for? I have no idea how to be friends with her, but so much time has passed that I am not even sure I really know her anymore either.

 

Ultimately, I am fucked no matter how this plays out and I know there are only a few ways that it will. Either things will go well or they wont, if they do I will want to see her more. This has happened before and did not end well for me, as she was flakier than ever when trying to make plans. Things could go poorly and we could finally go our separate ways which will still take some time to digest after all these years. Or we could become friends, something we have never been, and I am not sure it is something I really want.

 

This would all be so much easier if there wasn’t a total comfort and familiarity there. No matter the amount of time in between seeing each other it feels like nothing has changed. So, I am scared, that pretty much explains it all, after always choosing partners in situations where I have an emotional upper hand or never getting close enough to the ones who could be on that level with me, I am walking into a situation where I am vulnerable to the whims of another.

Girls miss college more than guys

This is probably 100% incorrect, it might be rude and it’s almost definitely idiotic. Still, it seems to me that the girls I know openly miss college more than the guys I know. Sure, my guy friends and I reminisce and often times like to talk about how much fun we had but never in those conversations do we get to wishing for a return. It’s not that we are more mature or grown out of that partying stage; I think it’s just that we came to terms with it and realize that we can still date and get away with hooking up with younger girls, who sometimes are still in college. Girls, on the other hand, usually skew older in their preferred mates, making it harder to relive the same type of NSA enjoyment that came from long hours of $1 beers at the Salty Dog. Plus, it is much harder to be a cleat chaser outside of school. The big prize for guys is still the same, insert hot girl to make friends jealous, but for girls it is no longer the starting QB, some baseball player or the president of the fraternity, it’s your boss, any random rich dude or some other person in a power position. Not as glamorous as say for example hooking up with me would have been a few years ago.

 

Ok, Ok, hooking up with me would still be quite a prize, just not the same since I am now either younger or the same age as most of the young women I am surrounded by and no longer carry all that much influence. This still works well for me since my age range is anywhere from 5 years younger to 10 years older. I am hardly discriminating in the age category, as for everything else; well that is an entirely different story. But, lets get back on topic, frequently I hear my girl friends talking about how they want to go back to Gainesville or some year that they had a lot of fun in college and I really think it comes down to more than just the hook up factor, there is of course the lack of real responsibility, the carefree attitude and well, the drunken hook ups that were so much easier to pull off when everything you need is within 4 miles.  Unfortunately, for all of us there is no going back, and we can not get away with the things we used to do like proctoring an exam still drunk from the night before. But, we do have other things to look forward, and when I can actually think of them I might just write about it. Until then girls, keep on chasing cleats no matter how much harder it gets.