Nothing tastes as good as looking good feels

I’ve always been a gym rat. I started working out as a freshman in high school, lied about my age to join my first gym and began reading about and taking supplements over ten years ago. Throughout that entire time my body has changed many times over from being 160 pounds going into my senior year of high school to hitting a massive muscular 205 before my junior year of college. Since hitting 205 back then I have had all sorts of health problems that really messed me up. I dislocated both my shoulders, got tendonitis in my elbows and had a fluid build up in my knees, have pulled my lower abs and currently have a hernia that may be forming. None of that though has kept me out of the gym for too long. I was out 3 months when I was rehabbing my shoulder but that was my longest stint outside the gym. The problem was that I was always able to eat whatever I wanted as long as I was working out and still feel good. That was until I left school.

 

After leaving school I spent a few months living in Jacksonville, all I did back then was eat and workout while I was trying to figure out what I was going to do next. During that time I was doing lots of cardio and weighed about 190 before moving to Virginia for a job. During the first few months here I had shrunk down to 180 before getting back into form and getting on a good workout schedule. I still wasn’t overly concerned with what I was eating and over the next couple of years it would hurt me. I spent 18 months traveling for work, living out of hotel rooms, eating fast food, not paying attention to what I was putting into my body, not working out consistently, and eventually I got soft. Before I knew it was January 2007 and I was weighing an unimpressive 208 pounds.

 

Clearly unhappy with that situation I began researching ways to get back to a weight and into shape that I was proud of. For about 6 weeks I did a carb cycling diet but it left me hungry most days and I was actually under eating.  After that I finally got smart, bought myself a digital scale and began using healthy practices. I figured out approximately how many calories I was burning in a day and how many calories I could eat while still losing weight. I now know that I can eat about 200 grams of protein and 200 of carbs if I only eat 45 grams of fat and probably lose about two pounds a week. I eat six small meals a day and all of my choices are sensible, good fats, whole wheat carbs and veggies and strong protein sources. And now that I have thoroughly bored you with the details, here are the results, I am down to 195, eating well, putting together solid workouts and I plan on being 185 by the end of May.

I’m so fucked part 2

Since its been a while and I have had nothing to say at all since announcing my coming departure from the DC area I thought I would give the latest update in the saga that is The Girl. When I wrote that story before our lunch together I said no matter what happens this ends badly for me. I was wrong, totally and completely wrong, because nothing can end badly that just wont end. But to get to why this won’t seem to end I need to explain exactly what has happened since that day we met for lunch for the first time in a few years.

 

It was a few weeks ago now when we met up for lunch in Georgetown, Easter Sunday actually, so the area was actually a little packed. We met up, walked around, had a quick lunch and caught up on each others lives. After lunch neither of us was in a hurry to go separate ways so we grabbed coffee and continued walking around Georgetown. It is amazing how fast we can return to our old habits; within minutes of walking around together we were subtly touching as we strolled. Not obvious or blatant, no holding hands or an arm around the shoulder, but constant contact, a hand on the back or a graze of the shoulder. This went on for a while as she dragged me along while she shopped for clothes and asked my opinions, nothing new for me; I was practically raised watching girls shop for clothes. But, eventually we did have to go, she went to work and I headed out to catch a concert with AM. Since that day however, the story does not take any exciting or dramatic turns, we talk; I obsessed for a few days and then decided to make a change in my life which I thought would end this silly thing.

 

Some may not call this silly, they would think it is sweet or normal but I found my behavior over the next few days odd. Emotional? Irrational? Doubtful? These are things that are just not me. Yet, there I was displaying all of them at one time or another, thankfully, as the week after went by and I did not see her again the feelings went away and I returned to my normal self. It was like a drug wearing off, while the effects were waning all I could think of was it and getting more, but once it was out of my system I could move on. So, after I felt normal again I returned to the sparing conversation with her I was used to, a text here or there, an IM conversation a few times a week and I even wished her a Happy Birthday without much fanfare. Around this time I made a decision completely independent of anything having to do with her, based solely on my desires I put in motion the plan to move to NYC this summer.

 

This is where the story should end, it’s logical; a physical separation of almost 200 miles does not have the same impact as the 15 miles we currently live apart. I made the decision to move about two weeks ago now, and since then I have slowly told just about everyone I know, except her. I don’t know why I was waiting or why I felt like I couldn’t just tell her when I told everyone else but I didn’t. Until last night. Last night as I was working for the second weekend in a row I see her IM pop up on my screen. The normal pleasantries are passed and we discuss our plans for the evening. And she tells me that she is in NY visiting friends, I say great I will be up there in two weeks. She says she does not want to leave and seeing a perfect opening, I tell her that’s why I am going up in a few weeks. I am looking for a place to live because I am moving there in July. Given the nature of online conversation I have no idea what the reaction was, but the response was a simple one “I am following you in September”. After I took that in, we talked about neighborhoods and where we would like to live and whether we could afford it or not. Then we said goodbye and I was left with this to sleep on. Does this change anything? Does it mean anything? Will it even affect me at all? Oh, the questions my mind will ask in moments of silence without ever providing an answer. No, it doesn’t change anything, I am still moving, and that will be easy even if the moving on wont be. One day I will ask her why it is that year after year we push each other away only to end up right back in each others lives. Maybe I just need to ask her the questions I ask myself.

Quality of life? Define quality.

After letting the decision to move to New York settle in I decided it was time to let my friends in on the secret. The reality is that I was letting it out slowly, as I always do, to the most accepting ones first, the girls in Florida, one in NY and of course my family. All of those were met as expected, excitement, support and the feeling that they were all genuinely happy for me. I even got a few “I will definitely visit now” comments as no one has really made an effort to visit me here. But then I let the cat out of the bag fully when I let all of my DC friends in on what was going on. A few were supportive, the ones moving away were happy for me and it really didn’t affect them as they were leaving also. For the others, some wished me well and wanted to hear more about my plans but it was my best friends whose responses I cared most about. Two responded with a touch of sadness, wanting me to stay but accepting that going was best and of course claiming a couch to sleep on whenever they want. It was the third response that drives the rest of what I have to say.

 

Mint and I have been friends for years, and although we regularly see things differently his take on my move has been almost entirely negative. I don’t know if he even notices that he is doing it but when we discuss the issue it seems like he is subconsciously trying to get me to reconsider. He talks down the city, says how he could never live there and how he could never afford it and this or that. My counter to all these things was simple I love the city, the energy and I don’t mind giving up the things I will inevitably have to so I can live there for at least a little while. When he mentions money I tell him that plenty of people are living there on far less than I make. To that he said, “But, what is their quality of life?”

 

My response: “What exactly is our quality of life?”

 

His answer described the difference between us better than all the obvious differences you would see when looking at us. Comfort was the base of his quality, his life is comfortable, he makes more than enough money to live a very nice life. But that is all there is to it, he can buy the things he wants and do plenty with it and never have to worry about his finances. And that is wonderful it really is, but comfort is not quality. Its ease, and to me it’s also lazy, there is no challenge in a comfortable life, there is no inspiration. That is what a life of comfort does to me, it saps me of all my inspiration, all my passion, I strive for nothing of importance. There are few stresses in my life, I am very comfortable, and yet the quality of my life is nowhere near where I want it to be.

 

Is moving to New York City the answer to some large life question? No, I seriously doubt it, but will my quality of life suffer by giving up a car and having to stretch a dollar? If so, I can’t see it. Life isn’t just about things, even though I do love my TV, it is about experiences and when you have an opportunity to take one that you find interesting no matter what it is I believe that the quality of your life would suffer for not taking it. You can have my comfort, but I want a challenge, to be forced to learn new things, to push myself to experience something new. So, you ask about quality of life, define quality, really define it and then you will understand.

Life takes unexpected turns

My mom lives her life based on feelings, she makes decisions emotionally. And when something isn’t working or just doesn’t “feel” right she moves along. When I call for her opinion on doing something she always asks how I feel about the situation. Does it “feel” right? However, that just isn’t how I think. I regret making decisions based on my feelings, I want to make them on the facts, do what is the most responsible, the most logical. This is why my mother is great for me, she gets me to let go of my overbearing desires to be responsible and do things that I would enjoy. When I wanted a new TV, she told me to buy it, not because I needed it but because as she said it “felt” right. This happens with her all the time, recently I was in Florida visiting her and when making one decision or another she always asked how I felt about it. And so for once I took her advice without even asking for it. I put aside my fears and made a decision that felt right.

 

The decision is to leave DC and it was made rather quickly, over the past three days really. Only today it became real as I informed work that I was in fact moving later this summer. I have yet to tell many people but the ball has been set in motion and preparations are about to begin. More interesting to me however, is how this unexpected journey came to be. If I had to guess at a starting point I would probably go back to early 2006 when after a night out I got into a fight with my old roommate, frat brother and longtime friend. It was that cold night on the metro that led to a lot of changes, months later I was moving out on my own while my other housemates were getting a place together nearby. In another odd scenario, the friend that I fought with is also leaving DC soon for another opportunity of his own. I guess I should thank him because in some small way that fight that he picked with me led me to meet the people I currently live with. It could not have worked out better, as I have gained new friends and soon a partner to explore a new city with.

 

I already feel a little stressed as if I have so much to do, but I don’t even know what it is I have to do yet. At least the decision has been made, now I just need to make it work.  

I’m making a list

As we edge ever closer to the end of the more entertaining time of the year I am trying to plan for the months ahead. Without football or college basketball and still wavering on whether or not to get the MLB extra innings package I am thinking about joining Blockbuster online for a few months and catching up on either TV shows that I haven’t seen or movies that I have been meaning to see. And while I can make a good list on my own (I actually already have one building) any suggestions would definitely be appreciated. So, if there is something you are dying to share let me know. Thanks.

In a different light

When I talk to my friends about things going on in my life the different reactions I get are astonishing. What I realize is that those reactions are actually just reflections of me. Because when dealing with certain people I realize I portray different sides of myself to different people. This is probably a very common thing to do but I seemingly have a different personality for each group of friends that I have. Sometimes those groups blend but my personality rarely does, I feel schizophrenic right now. But, I do know that when I have questions or need advice I can go to different people for different answers and I know based on how these people view me who will give me the advice I am looking for. So, really if I am seeking out validation for what I want to do or for someone to keep me from doing something I shouldn’t do I will talk to that person who will tell me what I already wanted to do to begin with. Essentially, when I am asking for advice, I already have my mind made up and just called you to confirm I was right, when those people return an unexpected response is when I get really confused, luckily that does not happen often.

So much for taking it easy

At some point last week I had vowed to have a nice relaxing weekend, if only I could stick to my original plans for once. What I ended up actually doing was going out everyday, including Sunday. I mean who drinks on Sunday? I do, apparently. Friday did go as planned, I went to see Grindhouse and I thought it was one of the more enjoyable movies I have seen in a while, I definitely recommend it. But, then Saturday was not what I expected at all. After going to the gym nad running some errands I was planning on staying in and resting until my roommates informed me that they were going drinking at RFD. And since RFD has 300 bottled beers and 30 different drafts I could not say no. But, even before I went I told myself I would still be taking it easy, then I drank about 6 pints and getting well drunk. I then rounded out the weekend with the lunch that I wrote about yesterday and followed that up with the DC 101 battle of the bands at Clarendon Grill and a few more pints. Needless to say, work today sucks and I hope I can actually take it easy this weekend like I intended to last weekend.

I’m so fucked

A few days ago I made plans to have lunch with the “girl” and immediately after doing that I wrote down the title to this post. I left it there until this morning where I am now just hours from going to meet her. I hoped that feeling would change over the few days in between, but they haven’t. The way I see it I am fucked no matter the outcome of this lunch. We live 15 minutes apart and have not seen each other in over 2 years, just started speaking again in December and I have tried numerous times to put her safely in my past. I told her I would rather just have the memories and move on with my life, but that never lasts. I never go through with it fully, sure I delete her from my phone, take her off my IM but I never stop thinking about her. And because of that everyone has to deal with comparisons to her whether they know it or not, usually not. And that is completely unfair. The problem with lunch today is that I see no way that it leads towards the closure of this relationship. It is more likely to pry it open just a little more than it had been over the past few years.  But if we are reopening doors instead of closing them, what are we reopening it for? I have no idea how to be friends with her, but so much time has passed that I am not even sure I really know her anymore either.

 

Ultimately, I am fucked no matter how this plays out and I know there are only a few ways that it will. Either things will go well or they wont, if they do I will want to see her more. This has happened before and did not end well for me, as she was flakier than ever when trying to make plans. Things could go poorly and we could finally go our separate ways which will still take some time to digest after all these years. Or we could become friends, something we have never been, and I am not sure it is something I really want.

 

This would all be so much easier if there wasn’t a total comfort and familiarity there. No matter the amount of time in between seeing each other it feels like nothing has changed. So, I am scared, that pretty much explains it all, after always choosing partners in situations where I have an emotional upper hand or never getting close enough to the ones who could be on that level with me, I am walking into a situation where I am vulnerable to the whims of another.

1st Quarter Report

The first 3 months of 07 have flown by already. So here is a statement on just how the first quarter has been treating me. It is really amazing how fast time flies. My year started with a whimper but has been catching momentum ever since. I spent New Years Eve in a very low key manner but just 5 days later I was on a flight to Vegas. And Vegas just happens to be my favorite place in the country, but this trip was not just about Vegas, Vegas was the appetizer to the Phoenix, AZ main course of college football’s National Championship game. Scott and I took a late flight that got us to Vegas around 11 pm, checked into our hotel, the lovely Hooters hotel and Casino, and wandered around for a bit, he and I were actually still out when our friends were boarding their flight the next morning back in DC. Since I am not much of a sleeper to begin with and since I was in Vegas I was still up to meet those same friends when they finally arrived later that day. I also had breakfast by myself, which would be sad if I didn’t do it all the time while traveling. Back on point, subtracting the first 5 days of the year and fast forwarding to the Vegas/Phoenix trip my year got started in the best way possible with drinking, partying, football, tailgates and of course victory. The high from that trip remained for the rest of January and very little else happened: I entered a weight loss competition at work for the simple reason that I thought I could win even with less weight to lose than everyone else, I celebrated a friends bachelor party in DC, re-watched the Championship game, and started growing out my hair.

(Speaking of hair, after growing it out for ten weeks, all I can say is that I find it very distracting. All it has really done has made my time to get ready longer, and I spend half the day rubbing my hands through my hair for the novelty of actually having enough to do that. Plus, the whole shampoo and conditioner thing is twice as long as the hop out of shower and shave thing, and now I am always late.)

 

February was a short, inactive month, which was too cold for me to enjoy. Still some big decisions were made for the future and another one of my good friends got married. I did start this new blog after leaving my old one and planned a two week trip to Florida in March. The wedding in the Keys was great but other than that there was little of significance that actually happened. Although, somewhere along the way I think I got a hernia that I still need to take care of. This brings us to March.

 

I spent March avoiding cold weather, stressing out with my family and spending time with enough females to fill my quota for the year. Mostly I just drove around a lot, spent two nights in an awesome hotel room and ate out a lot. Then finished the month by watching my Gators take home another championship in basketball, actually it ended April 2^nd but most of the tournament was played in March. So, looking forward to the next three months I wonder what’s on the agenda for me. As of right now it seems I will be having hernia surgery, getting the first haircut I have had in 5 years and settling in for a couple of months. I also hope to make it to NY for a weekend, plan on being fairly busy at work and possibly joining in on the Memorial Day trip to Dewey beach. But first this weekend is looking like an interesting one, with movies, music and the possibility for a lunch or coffee or something that is a seriously bad idea.

Seder was…

It was great. After days of stressing over the details and then an entire day of cooking and cleaning, my largest Seder to date went off with only one minor hitch*. And even that little problem didn’t come up until the night was already over. All in all, it was a fantastic night featuring roast chicken, brisket, charoset, two kugels, magic bars, tzimmus and broccoli, lots of wine and some interesting revelations**. We did a cliff notes version of the Passover story, but still covered all the good stuff and sang dayenu. Some of us even took the drinking of four glasses of wine literally which is why I am useless today. The number of attendees at one time ballooned to 15 so when a few people cancelled and the number fell back down to a more manageable 12, I was happy. It was unfortunate circumstances*** that kept some good friends away but it made my life a lot easier, there was hardly enough room for the 12 of us as is. Now that it is all over and the only thing left to do is finish cleaning up I have to say I am very pleased with the outcome and plan on continuing the tradition next year no matter whether I am right here in NoVA, or in Jerusalem as we all proclaim during the Seder.

 

* After dinner my roommate and I were cleaning up when we realized we couldn’t shut the dishwasher. In the state I was in I could not figure out how to cure this ill, but this morning in much better shape I was able to remove the obstruction and get her going again. Now that the dishwasher is working we can finish the cleaning.

 

** Interesting revelation #1 – my buddies girlfriend who we all thought was Jewish was in fact not.

Interesting revelation #2 – my friend Michelle who is most certainly Jewish was not Bat Mitzvahed and I am thoroughly shocked. However, it has been my dream for someone to have a Bar Mitzvah at our age; we just need to convince her parents to pay for the party.

 

*** So, my very good friends Mike and Courtney got very sick over the past few days and they felt terrible for not being able to make it last night. I felt worse for them, after all they missed out on a good time because they were sick and that sucks. I hope they get better; maybe I should bring them some soup?